Divorce sucks. Plain & Simple.

But the wins are amazing.

There was never a question. I would share my journey. My dreaded divorce journey.

Divorce is such a dirty word. I say it with pride, though, because it is a form of freedom that is a relief. My ex-husband had become like one of our children, someone I had to constantly boss around. I felt more like his mother than his wife, lover, lifemate. However, he is the one who left.

Now I am grateful he did. But, the day he left I was not so grateful. I was a stay-at-home parent who relied solely on him and his income to pay rent, pay bills, buy groceries, buy the kids things they needed or wanted, etc. I cried that day and for many days after. He left 4 days before my 42nd birthday, on a Thursday afternoon before I had a chance to pick up the kids from school. He did not want to face them. He did not want to have to look at them as he told them he was going to live with his mom, and that he would no longer be living with us. He did not want to have to look at them as he told them he and I were no longer going to be married, no longer be husband and wife. So, for 3 days I told the girls he went to stay with their grandmother because she needed help with some things around the house. For 3 days I cried.

This man I was in a romantic relationship with for 11 years, married for 10. Regardless of the slow draining away of my romantic feelings for him, he had become my best friend. The person I texted numerous raunchy memes and TikTok videos to. The only person in the world I could show myself to who would accept me and understand my humor and behavior. He would listen to me vent and I would listen to him as well. We had seen each other at our worst and our best. My feelings draining was nothing new. It had been happening for a few years, but I thought that it was something I could work through. Something I could ignore for the sake of making our marriage work. Sometimes, not being a “quitter” can be a bad thing.

We will circle back to that another time.

Back to the day he left. He left around 3:30pm. The girls were in after-school care and I had some time before I had to pick them up, so after the door shut behind him I walked to the couch and cried. Like, ugly cried. I was heartbroken, in shock, and scared. And as the clock ticked closer to 5 o’clock I realized I would need to get myself together and go pick up the girls. So, I did. I picked them up and took them out to eat. We went to their favorite taqueria and they had a great dinner. That is where I lied to them about where their dad went.

Friday and Saturday came and went, my eyes pink and puffy from the crying I did when the girls went to bed. By Sunday I was done with lying for him. I wanted to tell the girls because I realized there would never be a day when he would be willing to tell them together, or even at all. His way of dealing with things is to not deal with them. On Sunday, I texted him (because if I tried calling he would not answer my call) and told him that I was going to sit the girls down after dinner and tell them the truth. And I asked that if he had an issue with that to let me know. I received no response. So, after dinner that day I sat all three kids down and came clean. It is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in my life.

The day that he left I had no job, we were living in a $2000/month rental home with bills, and I had a car with an outrageous payment and car insurance…my saving grace was that before his leaving I had applied for 3 positions at a local university and ONE of them reached out to me to schedule an interview. The panel of interviewers - Alison, Kelly, and Kevin - were my saving grace. Exactly one week after Karl left I received the email to schedule the interview. The following Tuesday I interviewed, the next day I was offered the job, and that Friday (two weeks after Karl left) I began my first day at my job. The universe heard my fear and pain and turned it into my first big WIN.