What Life Looks Like Now
It isn’t half bad.
After our separation, admittedly, I asked him thrice if he was absolutely, without a doubt, 100% sure that divorce was what he wanted. Once it’s done, IT IS DONE. This isn’t like breaking up with a girlfriend where you go back and forth for months and maybe get back together. Divorce is a finality. It is the last page. Each instance of asking was about a week or two apart and the last time was my signal to get off my ass and start making my moves. The signal to begin the grueling move forward and past the idea of this marriage being my life. My life and the life of our three children was changing drastically and it was about to become even more of a rollercoaster. Moreso for me than the kids, because it was fucking difficult.
To call the first few months a shit show would be an understatement. When he left it’s like a switch flipped and he became a totally different person. I had no clue who this person was. I could tell you this was not the man I married and had been with for a decade. He was cold, apathetic, and making some asshole moves that reflected someone who was angry. But, what had I done? What had I not done? When he left he gave me no explanation. He refused to give me anything beyond that he was leaving and wanted a divorce. His words were “I can’t do this anymore. I’m leaving and I want a divorce.” We had no fights, nothing unresolved that I could think of that would explain this trigger of events. But, it was clear that it was something he had been thinking of, perhaps even planning for a while.
In any case, the animosity and divisiveness made no sense to me. I am the one who filed first. If he wanted a divorce, then a divorce is what he would get. What we would both get. My demands were few and reasonable, but for weeks I was met with a brick wall and his inability to agree to anything. Then finally, FINALLY, one day it was like the switch flipped back and I was speaking to a familiar person again. After all the tears and fear and self-doubt the clouds parted and I could see the sun again. It didn’t get easier overnight, but the effort we both put in to be a good, cohesive co-parenting team started to show in the ease I saw in the kids. When exchanging the kids they were happier because he and I were no longer at odds. There was no more divisiveness and no more animosity when we were near each other. We were more relaxed and, in turn, that helped make the kids more relaxed.
I filed for divorce at the beginning of September and by the end of December, we were officially divorced. Two days after Christmas, and two days before what would have been our 11th anniversary, our Final Divorce Decree signed by the judge was filed.
By the time that day came, all the love I had once felt for him was long gone. All that is left now is respect for this man who is the father of my children. I never badmouth him in front of the kids and I will never talk badly about him to them. My job is to make sure they are well taken care of and that their day-to-day is as smooth as humanly possible. At the base of our new co-parenting relationship is a friendship. That does not mean it’s simple and easy now. Oh, no no no no no. It is still very much a rollercoaster, it just looks more like the Road Runner vs. the Iron Rattler.
Aside from the kids, all traces of our life together are very minimal. I have my own place with the kids, I have my own car, and all new accounts that are under my name. The fear I had at the start, the immense fear that I could not stand on my own, is nearly gone. I am still nervous and navigating new territory, but I do so with more confidence. I’ve proved to myself that I can do this.
