Just One Hit of You
I KNEW I’LL NEVER BE THE SAME
I shared an image on Facebook that said “You deserve a calm love with somebody who’s your safe space, you’re best friend, and brings peace to your soul during stressful times.” And it filled me with so much gratitude just thinking about how this new love of mine has shaped me. How I am so lucky to have found my puzzle piece.
First, I need to be clear that the mourning I went through at the beginning of the separation was not based on a loss of love. It was based on a loss of life, a life and home I had a hand in meticulously building over the course of a decade. A life that included three young children who are too young to know or understand what everything that was happening meant. It was rooted in fear.
By the end of it all I had sacrificed my fire for him. I dampened who I was because I was too much for him. Over the years, when something went wrong it was my fault. So, I kept dampening it more and more until there was nothing left. I had no fire left. I had done what I thought was necessary and it cost me more than I could have imagined. What was left was the shell of the woman I once was, dark and empty. And it is this that makes what happened next so fucking confusing.
In a wine-filled flood of emotion one night, I decided to put myself out there. I wasn’t even sure why or what I wanted. I had no expectations, no hopes. And what I found was me. That’s right, I found the male version of myself. Conversing was easy, we had tons in common, and I found myself eager to receive his text messages and sad when it was time to end the conversation for the night.
Now, almost seven months later and being with a man whose love is so vastly different than any other love I have ever known, my fire has been revived, brought back to life. He loves my fire and he watches as my fire shines big and bright. He isn’t intimidated or threatened by it. He loves the flames and doesn’t let me make any apologies for it. He is my peace, he takes care of me and the girls. He is the yin to my yang, the cheese to my macaroni. He is the spark and breath of fresh air I need to be myself again.
I feel like my words are inadequate to fully describe just how important he is to us and how much I love and appreciate him in return. He is nothing short of an incredible man. I can’t stop counting all the lucky stars that he entered our lives.
He has seen me at my lowest and been the steel beam on which I have risen from the ashes. I want to yell into the universe, THANK YOU…thank you, thank you, thank you. I have never taken a leap of faith so great and received such abundance in return.
