Trust Fall
I let go and the universe caught me.
One of the first and most important things I learned at the beginning of this divorce was to become PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE and stagnant.
Even though I was not the one who ultimately initiated things, I still endured some very narcissistic behavior and it was so very exhausting to have to play defense time and time again. I felt like I was in the ocean getting beaten by wave after wave with no chance to come up for air. If I didn’t change something, and fast, then I was going to drown. My children didn’t deserve that and I sure as hell didn’t either.
Before I continue, I think it is important for me to explain that once I hit a roadblock or am hit with a problem or an issue I do not sit in it for very long. My survival skills kick in almost immediately to begin brainstorming solutions, to try to find my way out. With this particular situation, it did take me quite a bit longer to get to that point. There was so much emotion. An overwhelming fear to not fuck up or make wrong decisions. But, how would I know for certain if any of the decisions I made from that moment on would be the right ones? I had to do one of the scariest things I have ever done in my life. I had to let go of all my self-doubt and learn to trust myself. I had to learn to trust that as long as I kept moving forward, as long as I believed in each baby step, I would not fail. I might trip, I might slow down, or I might have to take a breath if things felt too heavy, but I would not fail. Not as long as I had my kids, family, and friends.
Have you ever done a trustfall with the universe? Let me tell you…it is fucking scary as all hell.
After I let go, everything was flowing well. The abundance of love I was receiving from those who were most important to me was amazing. But, also having their patience and understanding was vital as well. There were times I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to see anyone. I just wanted to be alone with the kids. Taking moments of decompression is so very important. Something I am still learning is that I can’t always maintain this facade of perfection and grace. I am tired most days and drained of all energy by Friday. I treasure my days off from work. I take time for myself when the kids are with their dad. Yes, I catch up with things around the house, but ultimately do not feel guilty about breathing a sigh of relief because I get to sit down for more than 2 minutes or sleep in past 7am.
There is truth to the saying “You can’t fill from an empty cup.” You definitely cannot prepare for the war of divorce if you are drained of all your energy, motivation, and strength. Make the decisions that you feel are best and the rest will fall into place.
