When You Found Me
I was a trainwreck.
You gathered my bones in a blanket.
So, can we kiss in your swimming pool?
In this bathing suit, I would die for you.
Maybe I don’t have to leave so soon,
You look heavenly in this shade of blue.
We don’t have to complicate it, I just wanna be alone with you.
I just wanna be alone with you.
Lyrics from a song called “Kissing in Swimming Pools” by Holly Humberstone.
Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that has me in this contemplative mood, but I am listening to this song and googling the meaning of the dream I had last night. There was a large black beetle in my dream and a little brunette girl killed it. The beetle symbolizes unresolved anger or trauma and I think the little girl was me. I’m ready to let go of this anger that has been my constant companion these last eight months. I’m ready to put it to rest so that the next phase of my life can begin with a fresh canvas. It is what my boyfriend and the girls deserve. It is what I deserve.
My boyfriend met me at a time in my life when crying and struggling was the norm for me. Just ask my old boss haha she was my therapist in addition to the therapy I was already doing. I never pretend to have a good handle on things because I am so fucking lost it’s not even funny. I have no idea what to do or how to navigate any of this process. I’ve been learning as I go, which means I’ve made mistakes. But, I try to learn from them and never make the same mistake again. He is so damn wonderful and treats me and the girls like queens. I never have to worry about anything having to do with our relationship, except if any of my drama and baggage is too much. I worry about that constantly and I worry that I just don’t deserve him. I have never had anyone treat me as well as he does. I feel like a feral cat that is being shown real love for the first time and sometimes my natural reaction is to hiss.
We have already had a conversation about this (a couple actually) and I have promised that I will believe that I do deserve him and I do deserve to be happy. It is what I am ready to focus on now.
Life is a grand adventure and I am ready to move to the next phase with gratitude and love in my heart.
